I have been thinking a lot about friends, relationships, needs and community in general. Maybe it is the residue from the Cancer full moon this month. Mama Cancer brings up what we need and how we need to feel loved, comforted, safe. Or maybe it is simply that so much of my life and priorities have shifted since I became a mother. Either way, relationships, how to be in relationships and what it means to be in relationships are on my mind.
Friends have always been one of the most important things to me. From an early age, I preferred my "chosen" family over my real family. I didn't come from a strict or unkind home, quite the opposite, but the Gemini in me sought popularity, new faces and socializing more than developing closeness with my kin. Even though that has changed some as I have grown older, seen the importance in my family and understand how different those connections are, my friends and community still ranked pretty close to number one on my priority list.
A lot has transformed since I got pregnant and even more so since baby was born. Suddenly, this new soul is number one and even that second slot seems miles beneath the first. I now understand that maternal emotional Cancerian calling in a way I never imagined, fathomed or even desired. I had no idea I would love this kid so much or that I would want to be with him constantly. Everything else just kinda falls away. I don't mean it to, I try to be aware, be present, be kind to those around me. It is just hard. This shift is not just for parents, it can happen anytime you suddenly commit yourself to a new calling or presence.
So I am tired and obsessed. I am overwhelmed. It is easy to stay home with the kid when I don't have to be somewhere. And it is just easier to hang out with other moms, or with no one at all. Suddenly the excitement I felt around social events, networking, even lunches and mani/pedis feels like work and even talking on the phone is an impossibility.
On the other side, Gemini human that I still am, a part of me feels like I need more help and connection now; and it's hard not to just pick up the phone when I want something or someone. Oh, the selflessness in serving another human and the selfishness of still being one!
I find myself being afraid of sounding selfish or needy and then I don't reach out at all. I wonder what the point is of trying to maintain my standing in the community or my friendships.
It is not a comfortable place to be. I don't know what the solution is or even if one really exists. Perhaps I just need a shift in my perception.
Enter, as always, the new moon. Aquarius, fixed air, is the sign of community. She is the weaver of the web, the social director that stands back and sees how the event can be unique and wonderful. She is smart and effortlessly maintains all the pieces that need to be woven and the balls that need to be juggling. She does what she does for the highest good, the collective consciousness and the much bigger picture. It's not just about her, or any single person or linear list of persons. She is concerned with all beings.
She is also a little aloof, detached and ambivalent to the emotional needs and desires of others. Aquarius new moon following the Cancer full moon is about as different as it gets, but both are pertinent players in the game of life.
Cancer allows us to drop into that place of overwhelming need and feeling. She forces us to look at the uncomfortable emotions around family, life and what brings us closeness and comfort. Compared to Capricorn, the new moon cycle ending, and Aquarius, the one beginning, she is the almost intolerably needy but necessary.
Capricorn turned our attention towards the active, masculine, anchoring energies of manifestation, and now Aquarius, who is neither feminine nor masculine, but rather androgynous in her universality and preferences, has us step back from father/mother and into the realm of simply being human. Rather than labeling and demanding roles, expectations and results, Aquarius steps back, shrugs and says "what is needed for the benefit of all? Not for just you to succeed (Capricorn) and for you to feel good (Cancer) but for everyone to live just a little bit more happily?"
I, too, have to step back. Being a mom is amazing. But being a wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, student and mother feels overwhelming. I know many of you relate, we all wear so many masks! Can we just come back to being human? And can we behave as we want other humans to behave, without attachment or expectation? Can we soften the guilt, anger, love, resentment and fear and just breathe? Aquarius is air, after all. Can we just do, one day at a time, the best we can do and what needs to be done for the highest good for all of us?
It is a tough request, one that requires contemplation and the intelligence that comes from the higher mind, not the primal brain or ego. After all, how can we be human and know the highest good? That is the Aquarian think-outside-the-box paradox and it requires both a humbling acceptance of our finite, flawed nature and the nature of others, a willingness to still want to take actions that benefit all the beings in spite of that nature and then a surrender to something greater, even if it is just the idea that there is something greater than our needs. It is in this process that the higher purpose is revealed. But it is subtle and as it is in the realm of air, it is a brief glimpse, a breath, of the highest consciousness, and then the humanness returns.
Many of us can't or won't meet the challenge. That's okay, Aquarius does not judge. She just keeps weaving the web and knows you will find a place in the fabrics, when you are ready. The web is not neat and not always beautiful, it's magic is in the fact that it simply keeps growing, regardless of the imperfections and mistakes. She just keeps weaving it, finding the exquisiteness in creation and connection, in just being human, aware of our humanness, doing the best we can with other humans, one intricate, complicated stitch at a time, one breath at a time.
I breathe in, and I forgive myself for my desires, expectations, flaws and shortcomings. I exhale and I forgive others for theirs. In that fixed space between the inhale and exhale, the exhale and inhale, I pause, and ask Aquarius, higher consciousness, what next step needs to be taken, for the highest good of all. The weaver keeps weaving and the web grows stronger.
Sending you all love and blessings on this new moon, the second one in January, considered to be auspicious by many in terms of potent beginnings (There is no new moon in February in 2014, but two again in March, it will be a powerful spring, but more on that later); also Happy Chinese new year, year of the horse! As time starts to gallop by, do pause in your breath and ask to be guided. May we all remember our humanness, our connection and trust everyone is doing the best they can.
Bekah
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Cancer Full Moon 1/15/14 Feel & Flow
Cancer Full Moon~ Feel and Flow
With the auspicious Capricorn new moon on new year's day this month/year, I was thinking that the best way to really initiate and align my energies and intentions, was to spend the winter cycle focusing on my Chakras. Chakra is a Sanskrit word for wheel and while the Chakras are a huge teaching, the system as a whole is not what this message is about; though I highly recommend learning more about them! Still, just to give some background to any who are newer to energetic anatomy, there are seven main Chakras that correspond with the spine. The idea is that when these Chakras are aligned and spinning, our holistic health (body/mind/spirit/emotion) is more clear, bright and focused. We feel good, inside and out, and are able to easily release what we don't need and draw in energy we want.
I started this journey last week and have been sharing it in my Yoga classes, as well.
I didn't realize how fitting it was that the week of the Cancer full moon would be dedicated to the second, or sacral Chakra.
Cancer is the home of the moon and during Cancer, we feel most at home with anything that feels like the moon: water, feminine, maternal, fluid, sensual, nourishing, yin. Where Capricorn and Saturn hold the strong father aspects, Cancer and Moon is the mama. I sense her like the ocean, beautiful, life giving, powerful, soothing.
The second Chakra, "Swadhisthana" is connected to the element of water. Physically, it vibrates in our hips, sacrum, pelvis, genitals, reproductive organs and the fluids of the body. Energetically, this center rules emotions, creativity, intimacy, sensuality and ability to immerse oneself in the flow.
We can work with this Chakra in many ways and I recommend trying at least one during this full moon week:
*wearing the color orange
*toning the sound "Vam"
*connecting to water via bath, swim, meditating by ocean, river, lake, etc
*taking a dance or flow based Yoga class
*doing deep hip stretches
*painting with water colors
*making love
Any or all of these practices will not only balance your second chakra but they can help soften the experience of the potentially overwhelming emotional tides this full moon brings. Cancer full moon is one of the strongest full moons of the year because it is a double dose of the moon's already heightened, watery, sensitive, feminine state.
Also on this full moon and with this Chakra, I like to honor the Goddess Lakshmi. She is the Hindu manifestation of the greek Aphrodite, born from the sea. There are many myths about her, but let me share my rendition of her birth:
The Hindu Gods were struggling with some demons. They went to one of the head deities, Vishnu, for help. Vishnu told the Gods there was an ocean of milk where weapons and treasures that might defeat the demons could be found, if they were willing to churn the sea.
They all went and started churning and churning. After a while, these jewels and weapons began to rise and they were claimed by the Gods. Finally, after even more effort, a beautiful Goddess emerged, Lakshmi, who brought love, abundance and beauty to all the world and who Vishnu claimed for his wife.
Please note I am not Hindu nor do I claim to be well versed in these myths or translations. But what this story always says to me speaks directly to the second chakra and to the spirit of this full moon. The message Lakshmi inspires is that if we are willing to churn our ocean of milk, this watery, sacred center within, through movement, sound, meditation, creation, etc, we can bring forth the divine energy latent in us all that can connect us to creation, love, abundance and beauty every day. Feel free to light a candle to Lakshmi on the full moon and maybe chant the mantras below; the first is for Lakshmi, the second for the sacral chakra and the third for the great element of water. The last line is a closing invocation asking for peace in all the realms and all we do.
Om Shreem Lakshmiya Namaha
Om Swadhisthana Namaha
Om Maha Apaya Namaha
Om Shanti Shanti Shantihi
Cancer full moon blessings to all!
With the auspicious Capricorn new moon on new year's day this month/year, I was thinking that the best way to really initiate and align my energies and intentions, was to spend the winter cycle focusing on my Chakras. Chakra is a Sanskrit word for wheel and while the Chakras are a huge teaching, the system as a whole is not what this message is about; though I highly recommend learning more about them! Still, just to give some background to any who are newer to energetic anatomy, there are seven main Chakras that correspond with the spine. The idea is that when these Chakras are aligned and spinning, our holistic health (body/mind/spirit/emotion) is more clear, bright and focused. We feel good, inside and out, and are able to easily release what we don't need and draw in energy we want.
I started this journey last week and have been sharing it in my Yoga classes, as well.
I didn't realize how fitting it was that the week of the Cancer full moon would be dedicated to the second, or sacral Chakra.
Cancer is the home of the moon and during Cancer, we feel most at home with anything that feels like the moon: water, feminine, maternal, fluid, sensual, nourishing, yin. Where Capricorn and Saturn hold the strong father aspects, Cancer and Moon is the mama. I sense her like the ocean, beautiful, life giving, powerful, soothing.
The second Chakra, "Swadhisthana" is connected to the element of water. Physically, it vibrates in our hips, sacrum, pelvis, genitals, reproductive organs and the fluids of the body. Energetically, this center rules emotions, creativity, intimacy, sensuality and ability to immerse oneself in the flow.
We can work with this Chakra in many ways and I recommend trying at least one during this full moon week:
*wearing the color orange
*toning the sound "Vam"
*connecting to water via bath, swim, meditating by ocean, river, lake, etc
*taking a dance or flow based Yoga class
*doing deep hip stretches
*painting with water colors
*making love
Any or all of these practices will not only balance your second chakra but they can help soften the experience of the potentially overwhelming emotional tides this full moon brings. Cancer full moon is one of the strongest full moons of the year because it is a double dose of the moon's already heightened, watery, sensitive, feminine state.
Also on this full moon and with this Chakra, I like to honor the Goddess Lakshmi. She is the Hindu manifestation of the greek Aphrodite, born from the sea. There are many myths about her, but let me share my rendition of her birth:
The Hindu Gods were struggling with some demons. They went to one of the head deities, Vishnu, for help. Vishnu told the Gods there was an ocean of milk where weapons and treasures that might defeat the demons could be found, if they were willing to churn the sea.
They all went and started churning and churning. After a while, these jewels and weapons began to rise and they were claimed by the Gods. Finally, after even more effort, a beautiful Goddess emerged, Lakshmi, who brought love, abundance and beauty to all the world and who Vishnu claimed for his wife.
Please note I am not Hindu nor do I claim to be well versed in these myths or translations. But what this story always says to me speaks directly to the second chakra and to the spirit of this full moon. The message Lakshmi inspires is that if we are willing to churn our ocean of milk, this watery, sacred center within, through movement, sound, meditation, creation, etc, we can bring forth the divine energy latent in us all that can connect us to creation, love, abundance and beauty every day. Feel free to light a candle to Lakshmi on the full moon and maybe chant the mantras below; the first is for Lakshmi, the second for the sacral chakra and the third for the great element of water. The last line is a closing invocation asking for peace in all the realms and all we do.
Om Shreem Lakshmiya Namaha
Om Swadhisthana Namaha
Om Maha Apaya Namaha
Om Shanti Shanti Shantihi
Cancer full moon blessings to all!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
A "good" mother
I just want to be a good mother.
This sentence... or perhaps it is a prayer or plea? Repeats itself over and over in my head as my hands knead the dough for the pizza I am making for dinner. It is a phrase I have been whispering, thinking, crying over and over the last 15 months. 41 of those weeks I was pregnant and now for nearly 26 weeks, since baby was born.
Interestingly enough, it was not something I ever imagined telling myself or obsessing about. I didn't really plan on being a mom. I have a step-son, but as he already had a mother, I never really figured he needed more from me than friendship.
But here we are. I am a mother and I have a child, a child who, as I write this is sitting up in his high chair, laughing, playing and occasionally looking to make sure I am still in his view, a new development. My heart aches when I look at this kid. For someone who did not really know or care if she ever had children, I am madly in love with my son and enjoy being his mom more than I could ever imagine. It is joyful and sweet, amazing and powerful. It is also incredibly agonizing.
I just want to be a good mother. It seems so simple and yet so impossible. Hence the agony. I love this boy, I want to protect him, support him, give him everything. But there are so so so so many things. Challenging things. Difficult choices. Unforeseen circumstances. And more opinions, parenting styles, articles, books, doctors, philosophies, views and stories than I ever imagined.
I have always struggled with knowing what the "right" decision is or being a "good" girl. In fact, I prized myself for many years on doing the exact opposite of what society wanted of me or what was expected. Now, though, I long to know with certainty that I am "right" and "good." I also know that this is never going to happen. Particularly because, though I have given up much of my desire to be the rebel, I still don't exactly follow our cultural expectations. As a mother, I am longing to bridge the conservative and liberal views, eastern and western ideals and have everyone I meet tell me what a stellar job I am doing. Instead, my western doctor chastises my homeopathic practices, and my natural medical advisers disagree passionately and whole-heartedly with everything my western doc says. I have so many amazing friends that are parents, and the choices they have made are all different and varied from pregnancy to graduation and it will be a good many years until my baby can tell me whether or not he appreciates my decisions.
I just want to be a good mother. There is no way to do this on an intellectual level. I have to feel this burning statement with my heart, my soul and every cell in my body. I have to allow it to be a prayer and a light that guides me through such diverse opinions and options. I have to trust that simply having this desire will perhaps make the difference. And I have to let go of it. There is no way I can achieve an abstract ideal. Good means different things to everyone and I cannot match every idea. Most of all, I should just get off the computer and hold my son. Hold him, play with him, look into those wise blue eyes eyes and thank him for choosing me, good or bad, better or worse. Thank him for making me the kind of mother who cares if she is good to him or not. I hope I can share this with him someday and that from me he will learn the desire to be a "good" person and enjoy the journey of finding out what that means to him, with all it's joys and pains.
This sentence... or perhaps it is a prayer or plea? Repeats itself over and over in my head as my hands knead the dough for the pizza I am making for dinner. It is a phrase I have been whispering, thinking, crying over and over the last 15 months. 41 of those weeks I was pregnant and now for nearly 26 weeks, since baby was born.
Interestingly enough, it was not something I ever imagined telling myself or obsessing about. I didn't really plan on being a mom. I have a step-son, but as he already had a mother, I never really figured he needed more from me than friendship.
But here we are. I am a mother and I have a child, a child who, as I write this is sitting up in his high chair, laughing, playing and occasionally looking to make sure I am still in his view, a new development. My heart aches when I look at this kid. For someone who did not really know or care if she ever had children, I am madly in love with my son and enjoy being his mom more than I could ever imagine. It is joyful and sweet, amazing and powerful. It is also incredibly agonizing.
I just want to be a good mother. It seems so simple and yet so impossible. Hence the agony. I love this boy, I want to protect him, support him, give him everything. But there are so so so so many things. Challenging things. Difficult choices. Unforeseen circumstances. And more opinions, parenting styles, articles, books, doctors, philosophies, views and stories than I ever imagined.
I have always struggled with knowing what the "right" decision is or being a "good" girl. In fact, I prized myself for many years on doing the exact opposite of what society wanted of me or what was expected. Now, though, I long to know with certainty that I am "right" and "good." I also know that this is never going to happen. Particularly because, though I have given up much of my desire to be the rebel, I still don't exactly follow our cultural expectations. As a mother, I am longing to bridge the conservative and liberal views, eastern and western ideals and have everyone I meet tell me what a stellar job I am doing. Instead, my western doctor chastises my homeopathic practices, and my natural medical advisers disagree passionately and whole-heartedly with everything my western doc says. I have so many amazing friends that are parents, and the choices they have made are all different and varied from pregnancy to graduation and it will be a good many years until my baby can tell me whether or not he appreciates my decisions.
I just want to be a good mother. There is no way to do this on an intellectual level. I have to feel this burning statement with my heart, my soul and every cell in my body. I have to allow it to be a prayer and a light that guides me through such diverse opinions and options. I have to trust that simply having this desire will perhaps make the difference. And I have to let go of it. There is no way I can achieve an abstract ideal. Good means different things to everyone and I cannot match every idea. Most of all, I should just get off the computer and hold my son. Hold him, play with him, look into those wise blue eyes eyes and thank him for choosing me, good or bad, better or worse. Thank him for making me the kind of mother who cares if she is good to him or not. I hope I can share this with him someday and that from me he will learn the desire to be a "good" person and enjoy the journey of finding out what that means to him, with all it's joys and pains.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)