A "good" mother

I just want to be a good mother.

This sentence... or perhaps it is a prayer or plea? Repeats itself over and over in my head as my hands knead the dough for the pizza I am making for dinner. It is a phrase I have been whispering, thinking, crying over and over the last 15 months. 41 of those weeks I was pregnant and now for nearly 26 weeks, since baby was born.

Interestingly enough, it was not something I ever imagined telling myself or obsessing about. I didn't really plan on being a mom. I have a step-son, but as he already had a mother, I never really figured he needed more from me than friendship.

But here we are. I am a mother and I have a child, a child who, as I write this is sitting up in his high chair, laughing, playing and occasionally looking to make sure I am still in his view, a new development. My heart aches when I look at this kid. For someone who did not really know or care if she ever had children, I am madly in love with my son and enjoy being his mom more than I could ever imagine. It is joyful and sweet, amazing and powerful. It is also incredibly agonizing.

I just want to be a good mother. It seems so simple and yet so impossible. Hence the agony. I love this boy, I want to protect him, support him, give him everything. But there are so so so so many things. Challenging things. Difficult choices. Unforeseen circumstances. And more opinions, parenting styles, articles, books, doctors, philosophies, views and stories than I ever imagined.

I have always struggled with knowing what the "right" decision is or being a "good" girl. In fact, I prized myself for many years on doing the exact opposite of what society wanted of me or what was expected. Now, though, I long to know with certainty that I am "right" and "good." I also know that this is never going to happen. Particularly because, though I have given up much of my desire to be the rebel, I still don't exactly follow our cultural expectations. As a mother, I am longing to bridge the conservative and liberal views, eastern and western ideals and have everyone I meet tell me what a stellar job I am doing. Instead, my western doctor chastises my homeopathic practices, and my natural medical advisers disagree passionately and whole-heartedly with everything my western doc says. I have so many amazing friends that are parents, and the choices they have made are all different and varied from pregnancy to graduation and it will be a good many years until my baby can tell me whether or not he appreciates my decisions.

I just want to be a good mother. There is no way to do this on an intellectual level. I have to feel this burning statement with my heart, my soul and every cell in my body. I have to allow it to be a prayer and a light that guides me through such diverse opinions and options. I have to trust that simply having this desire will perhaps make the difference. And I have to let go of it. There is no way I can achieve an abstract ideal. Good means different things to everyone and I cannot match every idea. Most of all, I should just get off the computer and hold my son. Hold him, play with him, look into those wise blue eyes eyes and thank him for choosing me, good or bad, better or worse. Thank him for making me the kind of mother who cares if she is good to him or not. I hope I can share this with him someday and that from me he will learn the desire to be a "good" person and enjoy the journey of finding out what that means to him, with all it's joys and pains.